Fievel should have taken his sunglasses

Tonight's post will be the only one for about two weeks, as this weekend I'll be departing for the West along with Divya to spend a week of vacation road tripping across the country, and then likely spending most of the following week trying madly to get caught up at work.  The silver lining is that there should be much to write about by the time there is a free moment to post again.  I suppose I could take Mac the Laptop along for the trip, but he's not much of a hiker.  No legs, you know.  He's also white as can be, so he'd probably get badly sunburned.

We plan to camp at one of the National Parks, so this evening I had my tent out in the backyard, attempting to waterproof the seams.  I'm not sure how effective my waterproofing job will turn out to be (hopefully we won't have reason to find out) because the product I was using was kind of difficult to apply.  It's called SeamSure, and all the popular kids are using it.  It comes in a little squeeze bottle with an applicator brush at the top.  Seems simple, but the liquid just kind of dripped out away from the brush bristles.  Maybe you have to go really, really slow to apply it correctly.  Thing is, I'm just not that patient, especially when I'm getting eaten alive by the apparent infestation of biting insects in our backyard.  I expect that you are supposed to apply it more slowly and carefully than I applied it, but I also expect that it isn't an exact science.  Given my description of the product, you may be thinking that SeamSure is some second-rate cheap-skate waterproofer, but I got it at The Outdoor Source, where all the popular kids shop, so I don't think so.  If there does end up being a downpour, and my SeamSure-sealed seams do fail, then at least we can just jump in the car and sleep there for the night.  We're not backpacking, just camping, so we'll have the luxury of Hotel Camry close at hand if the need arises.

The final destination for the trip is Irvine, California, where Divya will be starting post-doctoral research at UC-Irvine.  Having never been to California, I'm interested to see what it is like.  Irvine is in Orange County, made famous by the fact that the County is literally the color orange.  They say that the orange tinge to the land is the direct result of the tremendous quantities of orange creamsicles that have been consumed in the County.  It's quite warm there, so they melt and drip on the ground.  The warmth also is what causes such a large consumption of creamsicles.  Needless to say, I am totally psyched about getting an orange creamsicle upon reaching Orange County.

When you're going on a road trip, and especially when you're traveling out West, there are a few things you want to make sure that you've packed.  First, a pillow.  This is not for purposes of sleeping in the tent, but rather for purposes of sleeping in the car.  Some may play it extra cautious and only sleep while pulled over, or while occupying the passenger seat, but it's actually been proven in repeated tests that you can cross the entire state of Kansas by simply tying a brick to the gas pedal, reclining your seat, shutting your eyes, and letting the car go.  There are no turns, so you don't need to steer, and there are no stop lights, so you don't need to stop.  There is a slight possibility that you will slam into the back of another vehicle that either can't go as fast as you or has a lighter brick tied to their gas pedal, but this is considered an acceptable risk when considering the alternative of actually watching the state of Kansas go by.  Most people reason that you're going to fall asleep trying to drive through Kansas anyway, so you may as well recline your seat and be farther away from the steering wheel at the moment of impact, if it comes to that.

The second essential item to pack is a handy book of donkey names.  Out west you can do fun activities like riding donkeys down into canyons, and tour guides encourage visitors to name their donkey before setting out.  Women typically pick names like Bessy or Tulip, while men typically pick names like Charger or Meanstreak.  The tour guides make sure that the implied gender of the name matches the actual gender of the donkey, but it wouldn't really matter anyway because the donkey doesn't listen to you calling it by your chosen nickname.  It's too busy trying to navigate down a steep canyon wall without pitching you off so that you don't break your fool neck.  The concentration of the donkeys on their path is remarkable, but it results in them not paying attention to other things, like when and where they shit.  Fortunately, the rider doesn't notice any difference, because they've already shitted themselves many times over thinking that they're going to get pitched off Tulip and break their fool neck.

The third and final essential item to pack is a pair of sunglasses.  Sunglasses are immensely useful.  Whether driving or hiking, sunglasses can be used for the purpose of shielding the eyes from the sun.  However, their usefulness extends to a variety of other settings.  Feel like stopping for a night in Las Vegas?  Sure!  You're all set to keep your shifty eyes hidden at the poker tables.  Want to mingle with the stars and starlets in L.A.?  Go for it!  You'll fit right in wearing sunglasses!  Want to barter with the local Native American tribe in Arizona?  Well, everybody wants a pair of useful sunglasses!  What a great bargaining chip!  These are all great reasons to take a pair of sunglasses on your trip out West.  But the number one reason to keep your shades on you at all times is this: You'll be able to cover up the black eye you received from a friend punching you after you inform them that you half-assed the waterproofing job on the tent and it looks like you're going to have to sleep in the car, because that rain is just pouring in.

From my vast knowledge of how to plan for and execute a successful trip out West, you may be led to believe that I've done this before.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I've never been west of Arkansas, so this trip will mostly cover new territory for me.  As a result, we'll probably be relying on GPS a bit.  The standard voice on GPS devices is a calm woman's voice, for reasons that have been researched and tested I'm sure, but I've heard that you can also get your GPS to speak in a Darth Vader voice, which sounds like it would never be not funny.  This option got me thinking about other GPS products that could potentially be marketed...

Scenic GPS: This is a pretty straightforward idea, but may be one of the harder ones to program.  The GPS doesn't take you on the shortest route to your destination, but rather on a route that is considered scenic.  Want to make the most of your trip but don't know where the best spots are for sight-seeing?  No problem.  Just plug in Scenic GPS and you have your own built-in tour guide.

Storytelling GPS: Perfect for the long drive.  It's like a book on CD, but you avoid any annoying overlap between the story you're trying to hear and the directions being delivered by your GPS.  The GPS voice tells a story, and only politely interjects a direction when necessary.  "As Mark and Velma walked along the busy city street, they came across a piece of pottery lying on the sidewalk.  Just turn left up here, thanks.  Stooping to pick up the object, Mark glanced sideways at Velma to see if she recognized it."  See how it works?  Doesn't miss a beat.

Sarcastic GPS: This one is for the person seeking to be amused on their drive.  Instead of simply saying "Turn right in 3 miles," this GPS would say something like "You know what you should do?  Turn left in 3 miles.  That would be awesome.  That would clearly be the right decision to make.  Great driving.  Oh sure sure, take your time, no rush, I've got all day."  Dennis Leary's voice would be well-suited for this.

Puzzle GPS: For the driver who wants a challenge.  Puzzle GPS exercises your brain by making you figure out clues to tell you where you should go.  You're driving along the highway, and you know you'll need to exit at some point, but all you know is that your exit is somehow connected with the 19th President of the United States.  Kind of like a crossword, GPS-style.

Kansas GPS: Kansas GPS gives no direction whatsoever, but it does play soothing sounds of water lapping on a beach to help you rest easy.

Football season has started, but that's not why I have this picture of Troy Polamalu here.  It just happened that this picture came up when I searched for "donkey wearing sunglasses eating creamsicle" on Google Images.

Various forms of aggression

Tonight's blog post is coming from the couch rather than the coffee shop.  Sunday Night Baseball with Joe Morgan is on, Twins vs. Angels.  Don't really know whether these two teams are doing well this season.  I do know that the Angels are sometimes called the Halos, which is funny.  The Twins, to my knowledge, do not have a cool nickname, but it would be awesome if they had a pair of real twins playing for them.  You see twins in the NBA, but not so much in baseball it seems.  This is likely connected to the old basketball adage "You can't teach height."  That is, height usually provides an immediate advantage in basketball, so it is more likely that you would find twins who are both tall and therefore effective on the basketball court than it would be to find twins who both happen to be great at baseball.  The same would hold true for the sport of thumb wrestling.

Today I played in my first ever soccer game, which was quite enjoyable.  I have no skill whatsoever, but I can run pretty well, and occasionally get in the way of the right people.  I found that I play soccer like I play basketball, which isn't a huge surprise given my basketball background.  You know, constantly going offense to defense rather than maintaining one position.  Running all over the field rather than staying in one area.  Dunking.

Despite my newfound enthusiasm for a "natural" approach to physical activity (namely, barefooting), I found that shin guards are a good piece of equipment to have, even if not necessary.  I didn't suffer some terrible shin injury to come to this conclusion.  Rather, it was by avoiding shin injury that I came to this conclusion.  You see, being without shin guards initially, I tended to shy away from all the kicking and battling for the ball.  Because I didn't want to get kicked in the shins.  That would hurt.  But after getting some shin guards, courtesy of Courtney, I had no hesitation going after the ball.  Shin guards are so useful that I may wear them to work tomorrow under my dress pants.  Someone forgot to close the bottom drawer on the filing cabinet?  No problem.  I've got my shin guards on.  I can walk around with abandon!  If someone did want to take the "natural" approach to soccer and not wear shin guards, I suppose the equivalent to walking around in your bare feet to get them toughened up for barefoot running would be something like this.

As a quick aside, this guy could take some lessons.  Doesn't he know that you kick the tree down?  At 0:50 I actually thought he was going to lose the fight.

I'm about halfway through the first phase of the transition to barefoot running.  Per some of the advice I read online, I'm taking it slow, so for the first three months I'm just walking barefoot as much as possible.  People don't give questioning looks as much as you would expect, although thus far my barefoot walks have pretty much been on campus or on side streets while wearing my backpack.  One lady I passed did have a questioning look when I passed her yesterday, and I think it was because I was carrying groceries rather than my backpack.  When you're walking along with a plastic bag of goods on one side and a case of Sapporo under the other arm, it starts to become more clear that you aren't just on a one-time jaunt to let your feet air out.  You've made a lifestyle choice.

Another lifestyle choice I've made is to carry my above-mentioned backpack to work in lieu of a briefcase or "shoulder bag," even though those are the more standard carrying devices for workers in dress shirts and ties.  Perhaps this gives the impression that I'm trying to be "alternative," or not professional, but it's just pure logic.  Carrying things in a backpack is a good way to carry things.  Isn't that what nature teaches us?  Where do many animals carry their young?  On their back!  Not hanging on one side, creating balance issues and slapping against their leg with every step.  There have been numerous mornings walking to work when I've rehearsed my arguments for wearing my backpack, just hoping for somebody to make a critical comment.  Before they knew it, they would be engaged in a heated debate, and they would lose.  This is probably the best way to go to work in the morning - looking for confrontation.  This rebellious-but-logical mindset has not yet extended to other idiotic elements of the professional office environment, like ties.  Ties are really, truly, nothing more than peacock feathers.  In fact, my annoyance over this issue prompted me to look for a tie that had a picture of a peacock, just so I could wear it and make a statement.

To clarify, the intended statement would not be "I have such poor fashion sense that I actually purchased this peacock tie thinking that it would help me attract a mate."

My barefoot walk home from the grocery store was following a trip to the store to pick up ingredients to make pizza.  The banana pepper plant that Nate and I put in the backyard is crazy, producing so many banana peppers that we're at the point of trying to come up with creative ideas to use them (hence the pizza).  The plant is on the verge of being out of control.  We actually had to add a support stake this week because the plant fell over from the weight of all the banana peppers on it.  We planted a tomato plant and a green pepper plant at the same time as the banana pepper plant, and for the first month or so it looked like the tomato plant would clearly be the dominant producer.  It had daily measurable growth, and before long was over seven feet tall.  It is one of those plants that is supposed to produce tomatoes after 60 days.  It has sort of lived up to that promise (I had the 60th day marked on my calendar) in that has a good number of tomatoes on it now, but they are all still green.  I guess the promise to "produce tomatoes in 60 days" becomes a matter of interpretation.  Should the tomatoes be edible in 60 days, or just visible on the plant?  Anyway, the point is that the tomato plant talked the talk, but the banana pepper plant walked the walk.  It was like one of those races between ketchup, mustard, and relish that they show on the jumbo-tron at baseball games.  The ketchup starts out real fast, and gets a big lead, but then the mustard comes back, jockeys for position, and finally passes the ketchup for the win.  In this illustration the green pepper plant would be the relish.

To be fair to the tomato plant, I should note the possibility that I sabotaged its growth by pruning it.  I said that the banana pepper plant is on the verge of being out of control, but the tomato plant truly was out of control.  It was growing all over the place and getting bigger and bigger, and one time I saw a bunny get too close, allowing the tomato plant to suck it in and consume it.  This was the last straw, and so I cut off a significant portion of the growth, removed the bunny carcass, and issued the tomato plant a yellow card.  It is my understanding that this is actually supposed to help the tomato plant in its intended purpose (producing tomatoes) by allowing nutrients to be focused on budding tomatoes rather than on extraneous growing tendrils.  But my gardening knowledge is limited, so maybe I didn't cut the right places, or maybe I cut too much.  Just as Fitzy admits in retrospect that he and the rest of Costello's gang were too harsh with Captain Queenan, I acknowledge that I may have been too harsh with the tomato plant.

I want someone to challenge me on this.  Just once.  I'll kick them right in the shins.

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Using technology for good and evil

Sitting here once again at a local establishment where coffee is served, tapping away on McLaptop.  That's not intended to be some kind of cheap reference to McDonald's, like I'm adding "Mc" to the word "laptop" in the same way you add "Mc" to things like chicken nuggets to indicate that the nuggets are from McDonald's.  My laptop is actually Irish.  It usually goes by the common Irish nickname "Mac."

Before heading to the coffee shop this evening I set out my shirt and tie for tomorrow, because I like to have things ready in advance and such.  The selection for tomorrow was a brown shirt and primarily black tie.  I've been told that I shouldn't wear shades of brown because my skin is too pale.  I say the shirt is just too brown.  Here's something that puzzles me: Why is it considered more professional to wear a long-sleeve shirt and roll up your sleeves and less professional to just wear a short-sleeve shirt?  Not only that, but I think girls generally think the rolled-up sleeves look better, although that may just be due to the fact that it's associated with being more professional.  This doesn't really make sense.  Why are rolled up sleeves considered professional-looking?  Is it because the phrase "roll up your sleeves" is associated with getting down to business and putting in a good effort, and getting down to business and putting in a good effort is considered a professional approach?  If so, then look at the guy in the short-sleeve shirt!  He came to work with his forearms already exposed!!!  Talk about getting down to business!

On Tuesday I'm probably going to be wearing a dark blue shirt and yellowish tie.  Now, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking "Folly!"  Or perhaps even "Heathen!"  Yes, I realize that dark blue and yellow is dangerously close to Michigan colors.  It's probably even worse when I wear a yellow shirt (a shade that has also been communicated to me as a no-no) and navy tie.  But just know this.  In the same way that people can be comfortable with their sexuality, I'm very comfortable with my Buckeyeness.  It's all Scarlet & Gray on the inside.  The critical looks and sideways glances don't bother me.

One day last week I was walking home from work wearing the yellow shirt and navy tie combo when I heard an attention-getting whistle from a nearby porch.  Looking up, I saw a somewhat hostile-looking man sitting on the porch.  But rather than spouting some line like "What are you?  Some kind of Wol-ver-ine?" he queried "Are you a Mormom?"  A bit surprised, I responded "Uh...no, I'm not."  And so the guy said "Oh....okay then."  I think he was actually a bit surprised himself.  Having foregone a conversation with this gentleman about the legitimacy of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I cannot speak to his knowledge of the Mormon faith.  However, I think I can at least comment on his Mormom-detection skills and say that they are suspect at best.  Last I checked Mormons aren't walking around in yellow shirts and navy patterned ties.  By themselves.

Now that I think of it, who has more of a reputation for hard work and effort than the Mormons?  And what do Mormons wear while going door-to-door?  SHORT-SLEEVE SHIRTS!  IN YO' FACE!

Last Thursday, Courtney, Jen, Sayak and I went to see Wicked downtown at the fabulous Ohio Theatre. I had seen Wicked once before, and was therefore acquainted with the music, which is quite excellent.  I like it.  However, for the past two days it was stuck in my head, and as much as I am inspired by the message of certain songs in the musical, after awhile I desired to be subject to gravity once again.  It's like too much of a good thing.  You're sort of tired of the music, but you can't stop yourself from listening to it again.  I tried to break the habit by switching it up with a different musical, like CATS, but to no avail.  Finally, while working out this evening I put Pandora on an OAR station and that did the trick.  But the thing is, Pandora considers Dave Matthews similar to OAR.  Now, I really do like Dave Matthews.  His stuff is great.  But on Pandora, they treat Dave Matthews, The Dave Matthews Band, and Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds as three distinct acts.  And as the listener you're thinking "Why are two out of every three songs Dave Matthews?"  Whenever I get frustrated with Pandora for reasons like this, I switch over to YouTube.  I'm not cool, so I don't have an iPod, which means that I do my music listening through either Pandora or YouTube.  This can be a good thing at times, because rather than just hearing one version of a favorite song, you see the links for other versions, particularly live versions, which can be truly kick-ass or classic if you get the right one.  However, this can also be dangerous, because you may find that a song you like hearing has a really, really weird video, and suddenly you just don't like the song quite as much anymore because of the association.  That's just how it goes when you're rolling the dice on YouTube.

Watching music and surfing the web have pretty much been my only activities thus far on this nice laptop I purchased from Nate, but that is all going to change now.  As of today, Mac is equipped with Microsoft Office 2008, so now it has various colorful stylized letters sitting there on the "dock," ready to be deployed.  WXPE.  Yes, you are now asking yourself the same question that came to my mind just a moment ago: Is there a radio station out there somewhere?  In case you aren't familiar with the standard Office "suite," the letters stand for the following:

W - Word

X - Excel

P - Powerpoint

E - Entourage

As far as I know, Entourage is the newcomer to the group.  I was always familiar with Access being included, but it seems that "A" has now been replaced by the new purple stylized letter on the block, "E."  Don't really know what Entourage is supposed to do.  It would be easy to make a guess if it had a truly descriptive name, like Word, or Excel......well, okay, not Excel.....but something like Powerpoint.....well, not Powerpoint either.....crap.  The point is, for all its gusto and "Hey look at me, I'm on your dock!" attitude, Entourage hasn't done anything for me yet.  Give me a call when you've produced some results, okay?

I purchased Office for Mac so that I could perform fabulous functions like opening and editing Word documents from home.  I wasted no time before utilizing this feature, updating (and saving!) my resume to Mac.  This was done in conjunction with completing my personal Career Marketing Plan, which was a pdf file, and therefore did not require the newly acquired Office technology.  The Career Marketing Plan is a tool offered by the business school that is actually quite useful, especially if you have the right personality type.  It prompts you to think about questions like "What is my personal brand?" and come up with a personal Positioning Statement, thus setting you on the path to riches beyond your wildest dreams, and a corner office to store your riches in.  My personal brand that I came up with looked something like this:

Jonathan Jay Parry: Indescribable.  Bold.  A decision-maker.  Wears three different colognes per day, four on weekends, when he comes into the office.  Smart, but not too smart, you know what I mean?  Pushes through immense physical pain to get the job done.  Hire him, he'll work your boss out of his job, but probably keep you around.

And here's the Positioning Statement:

I'm a 26-year old with lots of good experience and background, trust me.  A tragic knee injury cut short my bid for the Majors, but don't hire me out of pity.  Hire me for all the right reasons.  Like my do-or-die attitude.  I'm still alive, so I must have "done" thus far, right?  Looking for a high-paying VP-level position.  The geographic location doesn't matter, except not Florida.  The humidity messes with my designer suits.  Holler.

I'm gonna blast this out to the Fortune 50 here in a minute and then wait by the phone for the calls.

Yes, I can defy gravity.  But more importantly, I am proficient in the full range of Microsoft Office products.

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