high-minded drivel

high-minded (adjective) - refined; cultured; particularly civilized. drivel (noun) - senseless talk; nonsense.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Using technology for good and evil

Sitting here once again at a local establishment where coffee is served, tapping away on McLaptop.  That's not intended to be some kind of cheap reference to McDonald's, like I'm adding "Mc" to the word "laptop" in the same way you add "Mc" to things like chicken nuggets to indicate that the nuggets are from McDonald's.  My laptop is actually Irish.  It usually goes by the common Irish nickname "Mac."

Before heading to the coffee shop this evening I set out my shirt and tie for tomorrow, because I like to have things ready in advance and such.  The selection for tomorrow was a brown shirt and primarily black tie.  I've been told that I shouldn't wear shades of brown because my skin is too pale.  I say the shirt is just too brown.  Here's something that puzzles me: Why is it considered more professional to wear a long-sleeve shirt and roll up your sleeves and less professional to just wear a short-sleeve shirt?  Not only that, but I think girls generally think the rolled-up sleeves look better, although that may just be due to the fact that it's associated with being more professional.  This doesn't really make sense.  Why are rolled up sleeves considered professional-looking?  Is it because the phrase "roll up your sleeves" is associated with getting down to business and putting in a good effort, and getting down to business and putting in a good effort is considered a professional approach?  If so, then look at the guy in the short-sleeve shirt!  He came to work with his forearms already exposed!!!  Talk about getting down to business!

On Tuesday I'm probably going to be wearing a dark blue shirt and yellowish tie.  Now, I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking "Folly!"  Or perhaps even "Heathen!"  Yes, I realize that dark blue and yellow is dangerously close to Michigan colors.  It's probably even worse when I wear a yellow shirt (a shade that has also been communicated to me as a no-no) and navy tie.  But just know this.  In the same way that people can be comfortable with their sexuality, I'm very comfortable with my Buckeyeness.  It's all Scarlet & Gray on the inside.  The critical looks and sideways glances don't bother me.

One day last week I was walking home from work wearing the yellow shirt and navy tie combo when I heard an attention-getting whistle from a nearby porch.  Looking up, I saw a somewhat hostile-looking man sitting on the porch.  But rather than spouting some line like "What are you?  Some kind of Wol-ver-ine?" he queried "Are you a Mormom?"  A bit surprised, I responded "Uh...no, I'm not."  And so the guy said "Oh....okay then."  I think he was actually a bit surprised himself.  Having foregone a conversation with this gentleman about the legitimacy of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I cannot speak to his knowledge of the Mormon faith.  However, I think I can at least comment on his Mormom-detection skills and say that they are suspect at best.  Last I checked Mormons aren't walking around in yellow shirts and navy patterned ties.  By themselves.

Now that I think of it, who has more of a reputation for hard work and effort than the Mormons?  And what do Mormons wear while going door-to-door?  SHORT-SLEEVE SHIRTS!  IN YO' FACE!

Last Thursday, Courtney, Jen, Sayak and I went to see Wicked downtown at the fabulous Ohio Theatre. I had seen Wicked once before, and was therefore acquainted with the music, which is quite excellent.  I like it.  However, for the past two days it was stuck in my head, and as much as I am inspired by the message of certain songs in the musical, after awhile I desired to be subject to gravity once again.  It's like too much of a good thing.  You're sort of tired of the music, but you can't stop yourself from listening to it again.  I tried to break the habit by switching it up with a different musical, like CATS, but to no avail.  Finally, while working out this evening I put Pandora on an OAR station and that did the trick.  But the thing is, Pandora considers Dave Matthews similar to OAR.  Now, I really do like Dave Matthews.  His stuff is great.  But on Pandora, they treat Dave Matthews, The Dave Matthews Band, and Dave Matthews & Tim Reynolds as three distinct acts.  And as the listener you're thinking "Why are two out of every three songs Dave Matthews?"  Whenever I get frustrated with Pandora for reasons like this, I switch over to YouTube.  I'm not cool, so I don't have an iPod, which means that I do my music listening through either Pandora or YouTube.  This can be a good thing at times, because rather than just hearing one version of a favorite song, you see the links for other versions, particularly live versions, which can be truly kick-ass or classic if you get the right one.  However, this can also be dangerous, because you may find that a song you like hearing has a really, really weird video, and suddenly you just don't like the song quite as much anymore because of the association.  That's just how it goes when you're rolling the dice on YouTube.

Watching music and surfing the web have pretty much been my only activities thus far on this nice laptop I purchased from Nate, but that is all going to change now.  As of today, Mac is equipped with Microsoft Office 2008, so now it has various colorful stylized letters sitting there on the "dock," ready to be deployed.  WXPE.  Yes, you are now asking yourself the same question that came to my mind just a moment ago: Is there a radio station out there somewhere?  In case you aren't familiar with the standard Office "suite," the letters stand for the following:

W - Word
X - Excel
P - Powerpoint
E - Entourage

As far as I know, Entourage is the newcomer to the group.  I was always familiar with Access being included, but it seems that "A" has now been replaced by the new purple stylized letter on the block, "E."  Don't really know what Entourage is supposed to do.  It would be easy to make a guess if it had a truly descriptive name, like Word, or Excel......well, okay, not Excel.....but something like Powerpoint.....well, not Powerpoint either.....crap.  The point is, for all its gusto and "Hey look at me, I'm on your dock!" attitude, Entourage hasn't done anything for me yet.  Give me a call when you've produced some results, okay?

I purchased Office for Mac so that I could perform fabulous functions like opening and editing Word documents from home.  I wasted no time before utilizing this feature, updating (and saving!) my resume to Mac.  This was done in conjunction with completing my personal Career Marketing Plan, which was a pdf file, and therefore did not require the newly acquired Office technology.  The Career Marketing Plan is a tool offered by the business school that is actually quite useful, especially if you have the right personality type.  It prompts you to think about questions like "What is my personal brand?" and come up with a personal Positioning Statement, thus setting you on the path to riches beyond your wildest dreams, and a corner office to store your riches in.  My personal brand that I came up with looked something like this:

Jonathan Jay Parry: Indescribable.  Bold.  A decision-maker.  Wears three different colognes per day, four on weekends, when he comes into the office.  Smart, but not too smart, you know what I mean?  Pushes through immense physical pain to get the job done.  Hire him, he'll work your boss out of his job, but probably keep you around.

And here's the Positioning Statement:

I'm a 26-year old with lots of good experience and background, trust me.  A tragic knee injury cut short my bid for the Majors, but don't hire me out of pity.  Hire me for all the right reasons.  Like my do-or-die attitude.  I'm still alive, so I must have "done" thus far, right?  Looking for a high-paying VP-level position.  The geographic location doesn't matter, except not Florida.  The humidity messes with my designer suits.  Holler.

I'm gonna blast this out to the Fortune 50 here in a minute and then wait by the phone for the calls.

Yes, I can defy gravity.  But more importantly, I am proficient in the full range of Microsoft Office products.


  1. You should have kids. Their frickin music would clear the most persistent song stuck in your head in no time at all...

    Try "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" for starters:


    Worked for me and my "Shambala" issue from a Lost episode couple of years ago... stupid Hurley's van.

  2. Wow. The word "agonizing" comes to mind listening to that.

  3. As a woman, and therefore able to speak for my entire gender, I will go ahead and put in our collective two cents. The simple act of a man rolling up his sleeves automatically raises his attractiveness by a factor of at least ten. Sometimes more. Chicks dig forearm sinew. In the beginning, this was because women needed men to go out and use their rippling forearms to hunt animals for us and our babies. Today, now that we have evolved, we really just like men to do the dishes. Obviously, neither task can be effectively performed with long sleeves. So, when a man rolls up his sleeves, he is really just saying, “Hey baby, I can hunt you an animal or do your dishes. Whatever floats your evolutionary boat.”

  4. Sure, I don't dispute any of this. I'm just saying, given these points, a short-sleeved shirt should be even MORE attractive. It's like getting a head start, or living by the philosophy of "always prepared," you know? While Caveman Bill is still rolling up his sleeves, Caveman Jim, clad in a short-sleeve shirt, is already field dressing that prehistoric bunny he caught for dinner.