high-minded drivel

high-minded (adjective) - refined; cultured; particularly civilized. drivel (noun) - senseless talk; nonsense.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Cost-Benefit analyses

Tomorrow morning will be a fairly early morning, as I'll be getting up at 5:30 so I can be to the ED by 6:00 to get the stitches taken out of the back of my head.  When I got the stitches on Tuesday night last week I asked how early I should plan to arrive 7-10 days later in order to minimize my wait time, and 6:00 was recommended.  Hopefully nothing catastrophic happens in Columbus overnight, because then the ED will be full at 6:00, and I'll have to wait.  Which would be a real catastrophe.

The stitches, which were put in after a fun pseudo-mugging experience on Tuesday night last week, are starting to itch.  When they were put in I was told that they would itch, but didn't think they would be as bothersome as they actually have turned out to be.  So, as much as I think they add a new element to my personality, I won't be too sorry to see them go.  It would be a different story if they had used the hot pink stitches, as I requested, but they claimed they only had black stitching thread.  I just assumed it was like the dentist's office, where you pick your toothbrush color.

I say "pseudo-mugging" because the whole situation seems open to interpretation.  If two teenagers sneak up behind you, hit you in the back of the head with a rock, knock you on the ground, but don't take your wallet, have you really been mugged?  Does Geico really save you money on car insurance?  The answer to both of these questions is "It's not really clear" (unless of course you believe everything you hear coming out of your television).  My guess is that the intent was to take my wallet, but upon realizing that they had failed to actually knock me unconscious they just ran away.  An alternative explanation is that this was some kind of gang initiation thing.  You know, like a scavenger hunt-style checklist of things to do before you can be part of the gang.  Something like:

1. Break into a car and take something of value
2. Snatch an old lady's purse
3. Shoplift
4. Hit unsuspecting person in the head with a rock
5. Suck at life

Clearly two of these things could get checked off the list for the day, and maybe even three, as a cop who talked to me later said that there were reports from earlier in the day about two kids looking in cars around the neighborhood.  Who knows.  The thing is, I almost wish they had tried to take my wallet, because then at least it's clear that something of value was trying to be gained rather than just committing a random act of violence.  As it turned out though, the only entity who made out with any additional money was the ED.  Congratulations muggers! You helped the local community in the form of a $150 co-pay to the ED, while you got $0 and I got some itchy stitches!

Well, I guess I didn't just get itchy stitches.  I also have the rock now as a memento from the experience. It's a pretty nice rock, approximately the size of a brick and useful for many things.  Paperweight, door stop, impromptu hammer.  The possibilities are endless.  But I think it's most likely that I'll somehow incorporate it into the landscaping around the back yard.  When given lemons, make a scenic fucking patio wall is what I say.

I also still have my bloody shirt, un-washed thus far (partly because it wasn't one of my preferred shirts, and if I wash it I'll feel obligated to wear it again), but that has far fewer uses than the rock.  Obviously it can still serve as a shirt, or you could tear it into strips for some purpose.  But it's a dress shirt, so it really doesn't even make sense to be torn into strips.  Halloween costume?  Meh.  Authentic dried blood is actually a little too weird for a costume.

I feel like the modern art world is calling my name again....

I forgot to mention that one of the strangest aspects of this whole scenario was the fact that it occurred at 5:30pm as I was walking home from work.  On a main street, not in a back alley.  Seriously, these kids will get caught eventually if they keep it up, because even my non-criminal mind can tell that they pick bad places and times.  In fact, part of the reason they ran away may have been because they failed to see a maintenance guy who was working on one of the houses on the street.  Upon seeing my lying on the ground bleeding from the back of my head and realizing that something was going on, he came over and offered to drive me to the ED, which was awfully kind.  He's the one who called the cops too, I imagine, because the cop who talked to me showed up at the ED and mentioned the maintenance man.

Truly, the worst part of the experience was just waiting in the ED with my head wrapped up.  Three straight hours of just sitting there doing nothing is not the best way to spend your evening (hence my insistence on finding out the best time to go back to get the stitches taken out).  In the end it wasn't even that bad (only four stitches and some minor scrapes), and I just wanted to get out of there and go home.  Needless to say, my second attempt at walking home for the day was wildly successful compared to my first attempt.

Overall it was an interesting experience more than anything (not to mention blog fodder!).  Let me tell you, having something slam into the back of your head while walking forward (on an empty sidewalk, not on a construction site), is an odd sensation.  We've all backed into things accidentally, but the physics of something hitting you quickly while you're moving forward at walking pace is messed up.  It's annoying that now I feel compelled to walk warily on my way home and occasionally look over my shoulder, but I suppose that's how the rest of the animal kingdom lives every day.  You know, poor Mr. Squirrel is munching his acorn, and all of a sudden the soft-footed cat is pouncing.  Welcome to nature.  Would be nice if at least all the humans could graduate to a higher form of life though.  And that's the heart of it - I joke about how they "suck at life," and I don't feel particularly good-willed toward the attackers, but the transition from a factual perspective of "This is what happened" to a questioning perspective of "Why did this happen?" is pretty quick.  Strong parental units at home?  I have a high degree of confidence that the answer is "no."  Other advantages and privileges?  Again, not likely.  Much happiness in life at all?  Doubtful.

I am quite angry about something though.  My California speeding ticket showed up in the mail today, and I learned that my checking account will be $220 lighter in the near future.  The injustice is simply out of control.

I should follow this guy's example.  See if anybody tries to sneak up from behind then!


  1. I suggest an old-fashioned revenge lynching.

  2. Totally agree, although it would be hard to find a noose big enough to fit around the whole state of California.